Being Alone

Being alone is something with which I've always struggled, but lately I'm finding that I need more and more time to myself. I need to think, to breathe, to exist without expectations; and I'm not able to do those things when I'm constantly in the company of others.

One thing I've learned about myself over the years is that I am very bad at change. That is, I dislike change. I overreact to it, am overstimulated by it, and I just don't deal well with things changing. Especially at the last minute. I'm a person who likes to plan in advance. Well in advance, and know what's happening. I dislike when my plans are disrupted, and as people tend to be fickle (or at least more spontaneous than I), I find myself dealing with a lot of last minute changes. Right now, my life is a whirlwind of change as I set up and prepare for new adventures.

I am currently trying to balance work, home, a relationship, friendships, and my general health, and it's proving to be more difficult than I first thought. One of the better changes I'm experiencing is a decrease in my anxiety medication, which may be making all of the other anxiety-inducing changes feel far more prevalent than they actually are. However, this is still a step forward in my battle to control my anxiety without medical assistance. Additionally, Eric and I are planning on moving in together, but we've experienced a number of hitches that have all but left that plan in hiatus mode until further notice. In terms of work, my job is in a high-stress environment which is bad enough for people who don't suffer from anxiety. So while I'm proud of myself for being able to handle as much as I am, I've recently had to reduce my working hours and am feeling the effects of having less money. Wanting to enjoy myself a little has also influenced this as I am now further in debt than I've ever been due to a combination of taking days off of work for vacation, and spending money on travel.

All of this over-stimulation has me needing a break, but I find it difficult to be on my own with my own thoughts and feelings. It's gotten to the point where I'm questioning things like my relationship, when in reality the issue isn't sourced there. Perhaps I need to stop trying to find an external source for all of my worry and focus internally on me?