I've been incredibly stressed out lately. And regressing into previous anti-social behavious. I've been spending an increasing amount of time with my friends, but I'm also avoiding other social situations. Those that involve new people, and especially those that involve strangers, like buying things at the store.
I think I may have taken on more than I can actually handle this year, and I know that the first step in resolving being behind in everything should be to tone down my social life. I mean, I need to interact with new people and to fix this anxiety thing (the anxiety of buying things at the store, for example), but I should maybe take some time to myself for a bit. I'm taking 36 credits this year, all of which I need to graduate in June. A full course load is 30 credits, and York allows you to take a maximum of 36 in a year. So, I'm taking six courses, mostly 3rd and 4th year, and I'm not really up to keeping on top of all of that work. Especially coupled with the fact that I'm working part time and volunteering.
I know that if after some time of toning down my social life I still feel that I need to eliminate something out of my routine, the first thing to go will be volunteering. Which honestly tears me up inside. I love those kids. I LOVE the experience and the feeling of belonging that I get at the York Centre. But I also know that the two hour commute pretty much makes it not worth my while. And that hurts. Like, super hurts. How do you deal with something like that? The staff that I work with will understand of course, but I really don't want to let down the kids there. They go through some tough shit, and I want to be there as a positive model to make them feel better. Unfortunately, I don't think I can do that anymore. Being there for my kids is becoming detrimental to my own well being, and realistically I need to realize that I come first. *sigh*
I've made appointments for Monday. The first, with my professor for my Milton class, to discuss and hopefully overcome my anxiety that is related to that course in general. The poetry overwhelms me and I find it quite intimidating. That coupled with the fact that I was late to the first class and unprepared for the second makes me feel increasingly terrified of attending that class. If I could drop it and still graduate, I'd have done so a long time ago. So, I'm hoping that my professor can help me to feel more comfortable with her and also that she can suggest some methods to make the poetry itself less intimidating.
The second appointment is with my therapist. I'm going back to therapy. It's because I'm feeling incredibly out of control in my own life. I keep putting off work and readings and focusing on centres of pleasure instead of my schoolwork and it's becoming detrimental. My apartment is a mess and it makes me feel lazy and overwhelmed whenever I'm home and I don't have time to clean up after myself because I'm more than behind in more important things like school. Important things that I keep putting off in favour of seeing friends and going out and buying lingerie.
Which I really shouldn't be doing, by the way. I may be working, but I don't have money. Work is barely able to cover my phone and internet bills each month and I still need to pay for a bus pass and entertainment and other random things that keep coming up every month.
I feel completely disorganized and unstable, again. Hopefully seeing my therapist can help me with that and I can come up with an action plan to get back in control of my life before these things start to spiral.
Sometimes, I feel like a crazy person, but I realize that if I were really crazy I'd probably not be seeking help like this. I want to be stable and happy and healthy, and so I'm going to work towards that goal. Starting with cleaning my apartment tonight, studying for my midterm this weekend, and then counseling and talking with my professor on Monday.
Wish me luck!
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