Changing Direction

I went in today for my check-up with my doctor regarding my anxiety. Talking with him has put some things into perspective -- mainly in terms of my future.

We discussed the differences between psychology and psychiatry as professions which essentially answered the question of what I want to apply for. I don't want to focus on anxiety/depression/schizophrenic disorders. I don't really care about prescribing medications to my patients. I want to help people figure out themselves; I want to teach them to explore their minds and bodies; I want to examine relationships and mend them; I want to work with people to be comfortable in themselves and their bodies and with their sexuality; I want to encourage people to view themselves as sexual beings; I want to help those who have experienced less-than-pleasant sexual/relationship experiences to heal, grow, and move on. That is what I am passionate about. Diagnosis and medication do not interest me. Not in the slightest. I want to make a difference in the way people lead their lives that is not based on a drug. Of course, medications can help people to heal too and I wouldn't be against their use. I just feel that medication won't help the kinds of issues that I want to explore. So, I guess I'm applying for grad school.

Another thing he helped me to sort out is my fear of not getting into school soon enough and having that affect my chances at building a family. He reminded me that I am only 23. That if I (reasonably) would like to have children before I am 35, I have twelve more years in which to have children. I do not need to have them now, and school won't interfere with this goal. He also reminded me that many graduate students and doctors-in-training have families at home. Many people do get married, have children, etc. while they are working towards their masters, PhD, or MD. It is possible to do both, to have both things that I so deeply want in my life.

And talking with Eric reiterated my belief in my ability to have children while I'm in school. I realized that if I'm working on my PhD when I have my children I will be able to spend much of my time at home with them for the first years of their lives. By the time I'm finished school, my kids will be in kindergarten and so I will have saved money that would otherwise have been spent on daycare, and given my children the love and attention they deserve from their parents. Plus I'll feel less guilty about going to work because I won't have young children at home who need to be looked after.

I'm feeling so much more calm and free now. Like a giant weight I didn't know I was holding on to has been taken away and I'm in a state of complete peace without it.