Relapsing?

I felt completely exhausted all day today. My sore throat has returned, despite Monday's anti-diagnosis of Strep. I have some sort of infection and I want to know what it is. I want it to go away, too. It's giving me body aches and headaches and exhaustion. I'm having a hard time staying awake and I'm definitely mood swinging like crazy.

I keep thinking about strange things. Things that involve the future mostly. I want to know what will happen to me. I want to make something happen now that has some significant impact on my life. A positive significant impact, of course.

I have incredible friends who love and support me and a family that does the same. I need my mom to say it in words, but I know that she'll support me no matter what I do. Even if I'm still in school for another ten years.

I feel like time is running out on me, yet simultaneously I can acknowledge the fact that I've got forever. Well, not literally forever but I have the whole rest of my life to do things. I do not need to settle down RIGHT NOW. I don't need to know what I'll be doing in ten years RIGHT NOW. I don't have to have a plan, I don't even have to know what I'm doing next year RIGHT NOW. Though I should probably conclude something on that last one pretty soon.

I feel like everything is moving past me at this insane speed and that I'll never catch up to it. I feel so much less mature than my friends are. More silly, wasting more time, etc. One of my goals for this year was to be silly, so I guess that I've accomplished it, but what if my goals have changed? I'm changing. I'm becoming this totally new person almost every moment of my life, and it scares me. It scares me the fuck to death.

I don't know what I want anymore. From my future, my friends, my family, my religion, me. What can anything give me? Nothing is permanent, and yet I'm struggling to decide how to make my mark on the world. My tiny, insignificant, lowly mark. Will I ever get there? Maybe, who knows. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Or struck by lightning. Or the crazy guy from downstairs could kill his wife/girlfriend and then kill me too. Who knows. But I have to be going somewhere, don't I? I need some sort of direction.

Or is that all just society. Society telling me that I need goals, an aim a purpose. If I don't make purpose in my life, no one is going to do it for me. But then again, maybe that's all I want. I want to be the purpose in someone's life. Be the thing that they love that much. Or maybe I don't. That means commitment, and it's scary. Isn't it?

Society with its conflicting views. Strive to this or that, it's okay to be a slut, everyone takes time to decide what they want to do, how can you not know where you're headed?, etc., etc.

I think I need some time on my own. To think things over, figure stuff out. But what if I'd rather just be cuddled? Yeah, it isn't that easy.